Gaslighting is a method that abusive people use to control others through manipulation, distraction, or distortion of reality. It is a way to manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity. The basis of gaslighting is in convincing someone that their memories, emotions, or beliefs are false. It can be hard to recognize and cope with, especially as it is happening. It creeps in slowly, and then your reality is unclear.
Gaslighters brainwash their victims and control them through coercion, making it extremely difficult for them (the victims) to resist or question the abuse. It can happen anywhere, be it at work, at home or with friends. Most often, though, gaslighting occurs in romantic relationships, especially where there is a power imbalance.
The tricky question is how you can identify it? There are certain red flags to look for, starting with what the gaslighter is saying.
Although there are many expressions that Gaslighters commonly use, we have compiled a list of some of twelve common gaslighting phrases to be aware of.
1 - It is your fault!
Gaslighters often avoid responsibility and accountability even when they are wrong. So they will tend to shift the blame onto someone else quickly and swiftly. They will say that it is your fault for what happened, how you feel or even how they feel, and they won't stop pushing the blame on to you until you cave in and accept it. If they're unhappy, it is your fault. If you are unhappy, it is also your fault. You can't win with them.
2 - I am not angry!
When a toxic person is upset, they often use nonverbal cues like indirect aggression or silent treatment to communicate their feelings and even punish you. But when you ask them why they're upset, they act as if they have no idea what you are talking about. They will tell you that they are not angry, and it is you who is projecting your anger onto them. This behaviour is meant to make you question yourself. As doubt fills your mind, you end up feeling even more confused.
3 - I think you need help!
Gaslighting phrases are often delivered through an excellent package that looks genuine on the outside but insidious on the inside. This is one of them, and the gaslighter may even offer an assuring touch on your shoulder while delivering this. Although it can seem sincere, when you are gaslit, the phrase you need help is meant to manipulate, twist, and deceive. The abuser is really claiming that something is wrong with their victim, hoping this sparks a chain of self-doubt and concern, not really help. When gaslighters say this, it is always deliberate and usually meant to distract you from their behaviour.
4 - You imagine things!
This dangerous phrase is a direct attack meant to cause severe cognitive dissonance or doubt in your thoughts. Saying that you've perceived something entirely wrong can make you doubt your memories and feel insane. When this phrase or this idea is repeated, it can be very toxic. When you lose trust in yourself, it often pushes you to rely more on your abuser.
5 - You are just misconstruing my intentions!
Gaslighters will never understand the concept of impact over intent! Nor do they intend to understand. Instead, they will deflect responsibility by blaming it on a misunderstanding and claiming they had only positive intentions. This is a classic strategy for abusers to divert attention away from their flaws and toward self-assurance. They will use the excuse that they didn't mean it to avoid apologizing, and they will even indulge in a few lies. Instead of respecting your feelings, they'll lean on the idea that it was all a misunderstanding and you are just misconstruing their intentions.
6 - You always read too much into things!
Gaslighters enjoy making statements that will stop you in your tracks. These words indicate that you are onto something. When you communicate that you are bothered by your abuser's behaviour, they often worry that you'll keep looking into it. So, they will say you are overthinking or overanalyzing to get you to stop. This is a highly toxic and insensitive thing to say, but it's also a phrase that can validate your suspicions!
7 - I never said that or did that!
You have a terrible memory. While this gaslighting phrase is one of the most common, it is also the most sadistic. It attacks your sanity and shows that the abuser doesn't trust or believe you. While it might make sense for someone to forget something they have said or done, it is ridiculous to think that you hallucinated a whole memory. A gaslighter might even warp your memory, convincing you to actually believe a made-up version that they crafted just for you at that moment.
8 - The problem isn't with me. It's with you!
If you haven't guessed by now, gaslighters are experts at evading responsibility. This phrase is especially harmful, though, because it attacks your self-esteem with psychological torture. These words can lead you to believe that you're not good enough or not worthy of love and respect. Abusers tend to project their insecurities and problems onto their victims, making you question yourself, your emotions, and your behaviour. It can even make you deescalate situations and take the blame for fear of being in the wrong.
9 - Just forget about it!
When a toxic person tells you to forget about it, it is a strong deflection that basically translates to shut up. Instead of exploring and resolving conflict, people who say this want to practice avoidance which is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. In reality, no one will forget, and the wound is only going to worsen. As time goes on, you will probably become less and less inclined to talk about the problems in your relationship until they're too much to bear.
10 - You are the only person that I have problems with!
Abusers love to invalidate you because it makes you less likely to stand up for yourself. When they say this statement, they imply that they are perfect and that any issues you have are your fault. The saddest part is that they deeply believe this and are unlikely to change.
11 - You are abusing me!
Manipulators will often accuse their victims of abuse. It might sound ironic, but it just feels painful. As you defend yourself and cope with the distress of this statement, the actual abuser enjoys the success of diversion from their abusive behaviour.
12 - You are lucky. I forgive you!
Toxic people who gaslight often get off on power trips. They want you to feel as if you are the one in the wrong, and then they make you apologize and beg for their forgiveness even when they should be the ones saying sorry. When this happens, you might not even be sure what you are sorry for. Your goal might be to calm them down or reconcile and not be upset.
Once you do this, your abuser will not hesitate to remind you how lucky you are for the forgiveness you received. In addition, they might not let go of the fact that they are always putting up with you, which is not the case at all.
When you hear these bitter phrases, you must become aware that you are gaslit. Whether it is happening to you now or happened in the past, call it out for what it is. Before you vocalize it to anyone who might gaslight you, you must validate yourself about what is happening.
If you are struggling to process your toxic relationship, don't hesitate to reach out for help. Talk to your friends, family members or even seek out professional support to help you work through the emotional abuse you've experienced and reestablish your reality.
When gaslighting happens, be prepared to set your boundaries. Instead of letting your emotions overcome you, keep a calm and steady tone and say something like, "You are speaking to me in an aggressive and abusive way. If you continue, I will not engage in this conversation anymore."
Being direct and standing up for yourself can be very hard, and many gaslighters respond poorly to boundary setting. They don't want a healthy relationship. They want to control you! And if you want to stop being controlled, you may need to exit the relationship.
If you know that it is time to leave, be careful and safe about how you break the news to them. It is not uncommon for emotionally abusive relationships to become physically abusive. So, create a safe exit plan with the help of a therapist or your trusted loved ones. Then be sure not to get lured in by false promises or gifts. Going no contact is best after ending an unhealthy relationship.
Namaste!
There are many ways you can seek help to deal with mental health issues. Psychotherapy, Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis are the more conventional approaches. However, there are other methods like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that can also be an effective treatment. However, treatment of mental health needs a holistic approach and should include changes in nutrition, lifestyle etc.
Yoga Therapy has also come to be recognised as an effective complementary treatment to support those with mental health issues. Meditation is among one of the more effective tools of Yoga to strengthen the mind and help alleviate many of the symptoms of mental health issues.
Choose a method that is most suitable to you and that which is easily accessible. No matter which line of healing you choose to pursue, it is important that you don’t delay seeking treatment. Also please note that you are not alone in this journey and there is appropriate help available if you seek it!
Dr. Kausthub Desikachar also assists many clients in their healing journey that includes mental health issues. He offers insightful mentoring through private consultations, which can be taken either face-to-face or online . To book a session with him, kindly visit his private consultations page by clicking here>
Please note: This article is written for educational purposes only and is based on the personal opinion of the author. It is not a substitute for professional advice. Rather, it is meant for reflective self-guidance purposes only. We strongly recommend that you always follow your intuition in deciding what is best for you!
We are thrilled to announce a new course for August 2021 titled Empower your Self! The Power of meditation to embody your true nature!
Dr Kausthub Desikachar is the successor and current lineage holder of the classical Yoga tradition of T Krishnamacharya & TKV Desikachar. He is an acclaimed yoga teacher, yoga therapist, healer and spiritual adviser. His objectives include the sharing of the authentic teachings of Yoga to the modern era, as well as building bridges between different healing modalities to promote physical, emotional social and spiritual health.
He is the founder of Viniyoga Pte. Ltd. and also the co-founder of Krishnamacharya Healing & Yoga Foundation, India, and the founder and president of Europe based KHYF International.
Dr Kausthub Desikachar is a champion of women’s empowerment and guides many of his female students to embody their inner strength. To view his interviews with Viniyoga Women, visit this page here - https://www.viniyoga.com.sg/viniyoga-women
He also offers a Mantra blog, where students can listen to different Mantras from the Vedic Tradition. To benefit from this, visit here - https://www.viniyoga.com.sg/mantra
Dr Kausthub Desikachar also assists many clients in their healing journey that includes mental health issues. He regularly writes articles on Mental Health issues and these can be found here - https://www.viniyoga.com.sg/mental-health
Being an amazing Yoga Therapist and Spiritual guide, Dr Kausthub Desikachar also offers insightful mentoring through private consultations, which can be taken either face-to-face or online. To book a session with him, kindly visit his private consultations page by clicking here>
Apart from Yoga Teaching, Kausthub is also an avid photographer, inspirational writer and poet. To view, some of his inspirations, visit the website www.kausthubdesikachar.com